I was on the topic of Blake again today. I was left saying in my e-mail that once you let somone slip away, afterwards it's all you can think about.
"Aren't you just the cynicism queeeen. "You'll let them slip away not realising at the time that it was your one chance at happiness." You make it sound like it's the end of the world."
For me it was the end of the world. I have never cried so much in the past, nor more since.
Even now, all I can ever think about is, "what if I had have done this differently?" Or, "I could have stopped him."
"Don't be ridiculous!" They all reply. "You can't change what somebody wants. If they want to commit suicide, it's their own volition."
They're wrong, because you can.
I could have saved Blake.. and I didn't. I left him to go into that garage and overdose himself because he thought that he was alone in this world, and things weren't going to get any better. I could have given him hope. But no comforting words ever came from my mouth.
A hurt like this doesn't just 'go away.' I don't think it ever will. It has haunted me for over a year and a half, and it shall continue to in the future.
It makes me think about the last time I cried. It was over something trivial. The next time I weep, it'll be for something of more importance. For someone like Blake.
This is the chapter of my life that haunts and hurts me most.
I want to remember What takes a lifetime to forget